Have you been diagnosed with anything specific, or is it unclear?
You go to different people (for diagnosis) and they say different things. Everybody in the whole world could go to a doctor and ramble on a bit and they’ll give you medication for depression. The only thing you can really point to is symptoms. Unfortunately, then, the only thing people can treat you for is symptoms. Nobody really knows what the fuck’s wrong with you. Everybody’s brain works differently. For chrissakes, my problem might stem from the fact I’m dyslexic. If it just so happens that section of my brain handles what to do when I’m stressed out or whatever makes me wanna be over the cliff all the time ... I don’t know. You can throw the medication around, but nobody really knows what the hell is going on. I think eating decent food and exercising has more effect than anything.

I’ve got very close people around me who can’t deal with me still. They do not want to be around me and are very frustrated with how things have played out with my health the last few years. It’s still fucked up. Fortunately and unfortunately, my ego has managed to keep me alive. I think that anybody that’s alive right now, the only reason they’re here is they’re selfish enough not to end it. What overrides one’s ego? I don’t know. Elliott Smith knows.

Maybe.
This is getting dark—sorry.

Well, I’m glad that you’re talking about it and that you feel it’s OK to write a note and let people know what’s going on.
In a certain way, I’m fine with coming out and admitting I’ve got mental health issues up the ass and I’ve been dealing with them for many years ... there’s a lot of friends and fans who have counted on us to be stable and be people who are calm, but fuck man, I just can’t hold it in anymore. I wish I had the answers and could tell people who believe in us, but ... everybody’s just gotta come out and fucking admit that you can’t hold shit together like you think you can. It’s not just a matter of everyone admitting it and getting some therapy and medication. It’s like, what the fuck’s wrong with this world that you can’t keep your shit together past 35? The majority of American males, if you haven’t turned to pornography or alcohol by the time you’re in your mid-30s you’re probably on a lot of medication or in a mental institution. So there you are. Sex, alcohol or mental instability. Those are the choices for the American male. What’s wrong with the world that I can’t have children and sit in the room with them for more than half an hour without feeling like lighting fire to the whole house with negativity? Well, it’s the lot of the modern male. That’s why you go off in the garage and work on model trains.

I have some model-train enthusiasts in my own family. At the end of that note, you urged people to go out and get the M.I.A. album. Has your enthusiasm for music helped you?
I know it sounds cheesy, but this last year I’ve relied more heavily on music to be something stable and calming in my life. More so than any other time in my life. I have a deeper gratitude for music. But yeah, the M.I.A. record is awesome [laughs].

What are you listening to now?
Trojan and Astralwerks put out these Bill Laswell Dub Massive (compilations). That stuff’s been wreaking havoc with me as well. I’m surprised that I’m liking dub a lot—I’m usually not into instrumental music because it just sits there. I’m more of a sucker for a song. It’s just such deep and physical music that it’s a different resonance. It’s a more organic resonance with your body and your ears.

I think you have to find a different way to connect with it; it’s a different kind of listening.
Well, what you do is you find the stoniest guys in town and start smoking reefer for months, and before you know it you’ll realize that all you’ve been listening to is dub and that you can’t get enough dub. No, I’m kidding.

What’s next for you? Are you doing any more Retribution?
Yeah.

That question didn’t sound right: “Are you doing retribution?”
[Laughs] It’s a payback band—payback for all we’ve sinned and taken. We’d like to tour. Between gas prices and stuff, you wonder whether it’s worth it to go around the country and play for 20 or 30 people. I can’t justify leaving my family unless I come home with a couple bucks. [Laughs] It’d be nice to play with Mark (Kozelek) again, and I keep thinking we could back up Morrissey or, uh, Joss Stone. [Laughs] I like the idea of this band being a house band, where we have our own set but we also back up people and kind of smear our sound all over whatever other people are doing. I’m really kind of addicted to playing live and it’s the only time I feel that I’m interacting with music. Low can’t tour as much as I wish we could, Retribution can’t and the Black-Eyed Snakes (Sparhawk’s other side project) can’t. But put them all together ...

And you’ve got a pretty good schedule.
Maybe it will keep Alan happy and he won’t start any more construction projects in the garage.