Category Archives: STREET TEAM

Where’s The Street Team?: 2008 Film Edition

street-team-filmflat

For no reasons other than tardiness and disorganization, I continue to amass problematic entertainment entities from 2008. So, even as we near the beginning of February 2009, my retroactive master list of nuisances continues to grow. This is the first official installment of “Where’s The Street Team?: The Online Version,” my own little inauguration into the practice of ongoing online creativity that isn’t a blog that no one reads (failedpilot.com).

Read More »

Posted in STREET TEAM | Comments closed

Where’s The Street Team?: Year-End Edition

street-team-yim-flat2Well, color me surprised! In 2008, I listened to more new music than would normally be expected from a rock writer in his mid-30s (none of us actually seeks out new music on our own accord, as the dynamic changes drastically when new music is forced upon us for the purpose of adding another byline to the portfolio), especially from one who’s been missing that perfect combination of “asshole,” “smartass” and “heart” in the same column for almost six years now. Wow, what the hell was that last sentence? The framed mantra in the think-tank room at Apatow Productions? Yes, I genuinely obsessed over a lot of 2008 releases: Fucked Up, Geisha, Neil Hamburger, the beginning of the Oneida trilogy/triptych, Disfear, Destroyer and Crystal Stilts, to name a few. But the year was predictably marred by albums and movements that genuinely irked me. I suppose it would be a mild head-fuck to populate this column with albums I love, but it wouldn’t pack the soft, short-sighted punch of what’s written below.

Read More »

Also posted in BEST OF 2008 | Comments closed

Where’s The Street Team?: 15 Years Of Failure

street80red-yellow-black2e1

MAGNET’s editors came up with the idea of a Where’s The Street Team? directed at one band for each of the 15 years the magazine has been in existence. Fifteen years? Yeah, right. I know full well that MAGNET was founded in 2003 for the express purpose of providing a vehicle for this column. I’m pretty sure the boardroom meeting went something like this: “Well, we need to surround Street Team with music coverage, features, reviews and such, just to give the reader a breather.” I’m a good sport, of course, so I went along with this whole “15th Anniversary Issue” applesauce.

Read More »

Posted in STREET TEAM | Comments closed

Where’s The Street Team?: The Blank Generation

street-team-79c

I’m so tired of hearing musicians whine about how long they’ve struggled, how long they’ve spent “in the van,” how long they’ve been on an independent label. Get yourself some famous parents and shut up. Nepotism is the key to getting to the top—or, at least, to somewhere between the middle and the bottom with the possibility of four seconds at a higher level. Being the progeny of a successful musician is a coupon for a one-album, one-option contract with a marginal record label. Not only does nepotism allow the artist to skip the “struggle” part of the process, another unnecessary requirement is “talent.”

Read More »

Posted in STREET TEAM | Comments closed

Where’s The Street Team?: The Worst Of The Best Of 2007

street-team-78flat4

I tried to talk my editors into allowing this year-end issue to be one big installment of Where’s The Street Team?: no advertisements, just 128 pages of my razor-sharp wit, slicing and dicing 2007’s crimes against good taste. Lord knows I would have no dearth of material. Did the entire world wake up on New Year’s Day 2007 with its collective head up its ass? Forget global warming; I’d like to battle a little problem called creative bankruptcy.

Read More »

Posted in STREET TEAM | Comments closed

Where’s The Street Team?: Crappy Anniversary

street-team77f3flatc

I tend to think of anniversaries in the romantic sense, not the musical one. Considering I’ve spent my adult years striving to have a romantic anniversary greater than two years, music-related milestones serve one purpose for me: boring, last-ditch story ideas for magazines. The music biz’s attempt to reverse awful CD sales through anniversary editions and reissues should tell you something about the pathetic lengths that labels will now go to get you inside of a soon-to-be-closed-and-turned-into-a-check-cashing-outlet retail music store.

Read More »

Posted in STREET TEAM | Comments closed

Where’s The Street Team?: Trendsobbing

street-team-76-f23

All of us do something that’s part of a trend, some of us more so than others. Most of us do nothing unless it’s been pre-approved by a gazillion other cookie-cutter scenesters. This continues to be the case as ideas are born and worn into the ground by drones too boring to have the ideas in the first place, thus setting individuality at an all-time-low. There are no true outsiders. What you are doing, creatively, is part of a big dumb movement, so don’t get all high and mighty about what you incorrectly perceive to be original. There exists no more fertile ground for lemmings than the music industry. Let’s take a cursory look.

Read More »

Posted in STREET TEAM | Comments closed

Where’s The Street Team?: Heavy-Metal Parking Lot

street753altfinal550b

Let’s rock out! Let’s make some metal! Better yet, let’s fake it! I’m not a metalhead. I do, however, know a lot about metal and have always listened to it alongside more obvious obsessions. I bought Mercury Rev’s Boces during the same record-store outing that netted Death’s Individual Thought Patterns. I know, whoop-dee-doo, but I want to distinguish myself from some windbag who latched onto this shit three years ago. It’s interesting to note that the only genre more clique-ish than indie rock is metal, and the invasion of one by the other has produced much whining and fruitless grandstanding. And rocking out? Rocking out is still a popular and novel way to spice up those breadwinning careers that are allergic to energy. Join me, dear friends and amusing enemies, for a look at a few clumsy mid-career crises, ones that result from a need to show the world that metal is cool. As of yesterday.

Read More »

Posted in STREET TEAM | Comments closed

Where’s The Street Team?: Two Thousand Sucks

street74f58flat550a

It’s that time again, when I act like I have no idea what magazine I write for, exuding disgust at the artists praised within these pages. After three years of writing this thing—a comedy column, if you haven’t noticed—the funniest words printed in MAGNET still fall within the hate mail I generate on the Letters page. To those letter-writers, I issue with full confidence the following statement: You deserve it. Music is the greatest comedy that was never written. I’m sick of typing words that no longer mean anything, words whose descriptive power has been squelched by overexposure and the neutralizing of a mindset that was, maybe 10 years ago, actually fresh and cutting edge. We have a problem on our hands when Sufjan Stevens is the barometer by which adventurous music is measured, when noise bands get fashion spreads in magazines, when music writers brag about not owning turntables (I’m looking at you, Chuck Klosterman), when there are as many faux-tastemakers as there are fratboys and jam-band fans, when everything feels mainstream. What follows is the best rock and circumstances that 2006 had to offer.

Read More »

Posted in STREET TEAM | Comments closed