When she was younger, Allison Moorer used to believe that she wanted an intellectual existence, a life of the mind. But now, at 42, she sighs, “What I’ve realized that I have is a life of the hands—I’m always just making something, or I’m writing or drawing something, because it makes me feel connected; it makes me feel real. It’s the same way with music—I just want to make it.” Hence, her latest ambitious set, Down To Believing, which documents her recent split from her husband, Steve Earle, and even the motherly guilt she felt when their son John Henry, now four, was diagnosed with autism two years ago. Moorer will be guest editing magnetmagazine.com all week. Read our brand new feature on her.
Moorer: I’ve taken workshops on it. I read about it. I sometimes even try desperately to attempt it. But I am not a very successful meditation student. I’ve tried it everywhere, from the little spot in my bedroom that I designated for it, where hangs a mandala and a string of prayer beads, to the back of a taxi where I focused on a brilliant blue square on the screen in front of my face that I could not get to power off, to the downtown C train when I needed to not be there. The great thing about meditation, they say, is that you can, and should, do it anywhere. I’ve paid attention to my breath. I’ve set an intention. I’ve turned off every device near me (or tried to, such as in the taxi). And I’m a pretty focused person most of the time, but I have trouble just “acknowledging” my thoughts. I’m supposed to let them come in and let them go out without judging them, without worrying about them, without hanging on to them in any way. But what if my thoughts include “What if I die before my son can take care of himself?” Oh. Okay. Let that go, because chances are you won’t die in the next 13 years. “Well, what about after that?” Oh. OK. No one knows how their children will turn out, Allison, not just you. “Yes, but what if I get hit by a car, go down in a plane crash or get cancer? What about that?” Oh. OK. Let that go because you’ll manifest that bad energy into something like that actually happening. Right. Because all of the things that have happened in my life I’ve actually manifested. Oh. OK.
See? That’s how it goes.
I’m still trying, though. It works. I’ve gotten there. I’ve achieved clarity if for only a few minutes. I’ve answered questions for myself. I’ve made changes because I tuned in for one-sixth of an hour. And when I’m able to do that letting go I’m always hearing about? I feel good. I feel great. I feel calm. I feel like I can take on the world. It’s real. It feels like praying, but to myself. So I keep trying.
I don’t guess it’s called a practice for nothing.
